what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
