i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
