I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
