I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
