Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
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