Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
