captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
