i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
