Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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