I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
