i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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