i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
