Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
