I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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