Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
