every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
