omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
