i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
