Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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