they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
