All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
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where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
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I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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