Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
