I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
