Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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