I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
