she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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