got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
