I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
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Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
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We're too hungover to prance.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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