You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
