Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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