someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
