The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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