Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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