You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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