Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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