apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
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Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
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Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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