you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
