sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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