I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
whose parrot is this?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
