when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize
