oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
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he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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