The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize