I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
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he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
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Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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