I can text with my tongue
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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