she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
