So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
