Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
