I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Randomize
