Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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