Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
