So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
we're so committed to being not committed
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
