Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Randomize
