legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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