Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize