I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
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bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
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You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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