Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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