"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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