If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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